


A progression

by accidentallybroken



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Bullying, Fear, Guilt, James was bullying Snape, me getting weirdly deep, prank, whomping willow - Freeform, yes - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-19
Updated: 2017-03-19
Packaged: 2018-10-08 02:18:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10375641
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/accidentallybroken/pseuds/accidentallybroken
Summary: Everything in James' head feels like a progression. Zipping from boredom to anger to shame. Why?





	

**Author's Note:**

  * In response to a prompt by [SolNiveAngelo (Mogadorian_Wolf)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mogadorian_Wolf/pseuds/SolNiveAngelo) in the [HPprompts](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/HPprompts) collection. 



> **Prompt:**
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> What James feels when he saves Severus.... can be romantic or not, maybe include James confronting Sirus afterwards as well and them fighting

      James was never really sure  _why_ he liked tormenting Snape.

     At first, it had been because Snape was obnoxious, and glaringly in love with Lily Evans. James tried to tell himself that justified it, it was just jealousy.

     (Well, he didn't try and justify it that way at first. Before that, he had to come to terms with how he felt, which was a whole different internal conflict.)

    Still. At first it was jealousy. That the greasy haired Slytherin was still talked to by Evans more than him. (He didn't know why. What did she see in that strange, unpleasant boy?) 

    Then, well, then. It was because it was funny! People laughed when he shot out nasty comments to  _Snivellus_ , when he picked on the strange kid that no one really liked. He was more popular, by picking on him.

    And anyway, Sirius, his best friend, laughed. And sometimes joined in. So he pushed it down, that shred of decency, that whispered  _You know, you're being an arsehole. A bully. Why don't you stop now?_

     Because it was fun. People thought it was funny. Thought he was funny. 

       _"You're an insufferable show-off!"_ in Evans' opinion. He hadn't forgotten that scathing look she had given him when he had hung Snape's bag from the top of a tree. It didn't make him like her any less. 

    And. Well. Snape provoked him! He was more than willing to shoot a curse back, and anyway, there was all the  _dark magic_ stuff. Didn't he deserve it?

   It didn't stop the little bit of him that protested, but it muffled it a bit. Clouded his conscience. 

    Sometimes it was because he was bored. Something to do. 

   

    But then, when there was the prank, that his  _friend_ played on Snape, that was too far. 

    Just thinking about it, James felt a wave of shame rush over him. 

     He had basically condoned that behavior. Had set an example over all those years. Had been cruel, had hurt Snape over and over and over again, with no thought to the harm he was doing.

     Snape could have died.

    Sirius would have been a murderer. James, well, he felt like a murderer. Maybe he was, would have. 

    He saved Snape. Yes.

    But it still felt like his fault. Over and over again he replayed in his head what might have happened, what probably would have happened, if he hadn't run as fast, hadn't gotten there in time and gripped the boy's shoulder's and pulled him away and whispered,  _"Run!"_     

     What would have happened if Snape had stayed, if James hadn't heard about the prank. 

     James was shaken. James was scared. He was scared, for the first time, of the  _power_ he had, his ability to build and destroy with his actions.

     Before, he'd thrown words and spells and choices around as if they were nothing, as if they didn't matter.

     He was lucky. He'd never been on the receiving end of someone else's choices. 

     But other people had. Other people would never be the same because of his  _choices._

     He couldn't lie and say he was innocent, that this was all Sirius. 

     Because who's to say he wouldn't have done that? He knew if he hadn't picked on Snape, hadn't  _stopped,_ then this likely wouldn't have happened.   
     

     He knew Sirius was ashamed. He could see it in his shaking hands, his pale face, the hysterical words he'd thrown the night it  _happened._ James was angry at him, yes, but he was also scared.

     James knew Sirius realized what he'd done. Regretted it. He pretended it was nothing, but James knew him too well to fall for that.

      James was scared. James was ashamed. 

     He knew this wasn't reparable. 

     

 

**Author's Note:**

> Sort of branched off from the prompt, but, *shrugs*


End file.
